Torture

What does it mean when one seeks their own torture? Is it a maze of self-destruction? Or is it the surfacing of a deep craving, that arises now and then.And from where is this craving born? What is this craving and why?

We see it in the way some followers of catholic sects drop to their knees, and drag their thin flesh across jagged rocks. Through bleeding, and wounding, they feel, they release, they experience some type of salvation.

The Sh'ia who whip themselves bloodied, in commemoration of Hussein. Despite the pain, it's the adrenaline, or something else that propels them forward.


Does this mean in a sense that they are going beyond their tangible selves? Or is it that the physical self is the most important in providing the sensation they seek?

And how does this all translate into understanding for those of us that seemingly torture ourselves in a non-physical way? Either by denying to ourselves our true natures, impulses and essences, or through surrounding ourselves with people that we know might have a tendency to reject us, or cause outpourings of strong emotional reactions.

I abhor banality and boredom, and I constantly seem to summon their opposites - etremities of excitement, drama and tragedy. I am as fragile as fragile gets, yet I seem to dare others to crack me, or I go around those that will inevitably, eventually crack me. Am I addicted to pain? Was it the only stable norm in my life for so long that I now hug it the way an infant hugs its security blanket?