Shedding my skin

When I went to visit home, after my first extended move away to a new city, everyone was shocked by my weightloss. For over a year, I struggled to lose weight, and I felt pudgy and large, in almost any outfit that I wore. Although I was always fairly well proportioned, and knew I was beautiful, I disliked my size.

I have now shrunk, and have lost over 20 lbs. My pants no longer just slip down; I have a few pairs that will actually fall right off if I walk in them. While visiting my mum's house, I tried on pants that I had worn in high school - 6 years ago, that now fit me once again. I grab at my sides, and my flanks, looking to grab skin or fat, and nothing is there by taut flesh against my bones; my fingers grasp nothing. My rounded face (chipmunk cheeks) which once embarassed me has also skimmed down, making my eyes and lips even more dramatic features on my face.

And people that I haven't seen keep noticing. "Have you lost MORE weight?!", etc. And I cannot pretend that I do not love every minute of it. I love enjoying and feeling good about my body. I love when others take note of it and express it to me. It is a sensual pleasure that I haven't experienced since I was 16 years old.

I also realize how many years I lost covering up my body and thinking myself virtuous for it; being brainwashed by countless 'muslim religionites' who made my salvation their business. People who had no problem imposing their ideas on me, because they believed every bit it of it was absolutely and objectively correct. People who would give you books, or other such gifts, believing that they will go to heaven for passing on the message to you, or to gain heaven reward points. Yes, some people are that literal, and yes, for the past 12 months I've still been trying to get over this, to de-colonize my mind. That type of cleansing takes along time. Reading blogs written by other people who have gone through this is helpful.

I wonder though, what happens to those young women and men who find themselves in families that think like this? Who, rather than encouraging free thought, impose, impose, impose, and shut out the outside world.

Even if not in a religious context, what happens to these people when it comes time for them to move beyond University, and find employment, and excel in a career, to form friendships and relationships? How can they do this without the tools, without years of support and guidance.


I remember having a good friend in my early years as an undergraduate student. She seemed to have so much potential, yet continually trapped herself with her own superficiality. She would graze the surface of moving foward, but never do so, and at several points she expressed fear to me. She had a brother who would berade her for wearing jeans if they were too tight, even though she explained that she had difficulty finding loose jeans in her size. This same brother would tell her she is dressing like a "whore", and would often bring her to tears. He would also play religious recordings early in the morning to wake her so that she could pray. She would spend hours in the library, even if she didn't need to study, just to avoid going home. How does years of living like that impact her future? To live in such disrespect is an awful reality of so many young people.

I hope she, and so many others are able to break from their familial mentalies, and learn to grow and develop into their own selves. I know I'm trying, and I know it's a struggle worth fighting for.

“Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent.

Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night.

Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever, and we are alone.

Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves; go into oblivion.

There is nothing else.

Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose.

This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us.

Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world.”

Alan Moore, Watchmen